The passing of someone really dear to us can feel like a break up; just that this time round, we know for sure that amendments can’t be made anymore. Words unsaid will always be left that way and chances we never took would always be left as that.
This reminds me of the lyrics to a particular song – ” it’s so loud inside my head with words that i should have said”. Very often, I choose to leave certain things unsaid, assuming the other party would already know what i had meant to say or assuming that some things are better left unsaid. Yet sometimes, I choose the easy way out and avoid the confrontation altogether. Unresolved conflicts, misunderstood silences, needed closures – these are all too common in the lives of most i meet. Why is it just so hard for us to put our pride down and take the first step to reconciling a relationship? Why do we always wait till it’s too late to regret?
Memories. We try our best to shut them out but they never fail to haunt us do they? They always find a way in surreptitiously, especially at times when we least expect it. They come and go, come and go; like a broken television trying its best to remind you of a particular scene you want to forget. Maybe we should just let them in. We should remove the dam and allow the flood in; maybe it’s all part of the healing process. After all, we can’t force ourselves into letting things go at a faster rate.
Tears fall, a drop followed by another. Tears of pain, tears of regret and yet tears of gratefulness. Pain for all things left unresolved, regret for all the could-have-beens and gratefulness for the good memories together.
They say it gets better with time. That the sorrow associated with the passing of a loved one is just a phase in life but the fact is that sorrow will always be there. We just get accustomed to it and then replace it with the comforting knowledge that our loved one is in a better place. Time does not make the loss better, it simply helps to blur the memories we’ve shared with the person. And then coupled with the busyness of our lives (since the world doesn’t stop for your loss), we just really grow accustomed to having a void in our hearts that was once filled by that particular person.
I know God is sufficient and that one day, i’ll no longer feel this void as it slowly gets filled by God’s love but for now, let me just be in my own world and take a moment grieve. Just for one day. And then tomorrow, i’ll emerge stronger, better than today.