What a funeral director actually does

Most people meet a funeral director on one of the hardest days of their lives, so they see only part of the job. Behind it are the care of the deceased, transport, paperwork and permits, and the coordination of the wake, religious rites and the final cremation or burial. Much of this happens out of sight.

I am also a licensed embalmer. It is only one part of what some funeral directors do. Not every person who has died needs embalming, and not every funeral director embalms. Whether it is appropriate depends on the family’s wishes, the timing and the circumstances. You can read more about me on my founder profile and about how our team works on the About Us page.

The physical realities of the work

I will not pretend that the work is always pleasant. Caring for the deceased is physical. After death the body changes, and that can include decomposition and the release of bodily fluids. Handling this takes training, patience and a steady stomach, and it is not something I would describe as comfortable.

But physically unpleasant is not the same as undignified. I think of this as honest work, done for people who cannot do it for themselves, and done with care. That is the part I try to keep in front of me.

Physically unpleasant is not the same as undignified.Harmony Tee, Founder & Funeral Director

Irregular hours and what they mean at home

Deaths do not keep office hours, and neither do the calls that follow. I am a wife, a mother of two and the leader of a team, so my schedule is never only mine. Once, I left a date halfway because I was called to work. My partner at the time understandably found it hard to accept that I had to leave him there. I offered to bring him with me to the hospital, but he was not keen. He told me he could love me, but he was not sure he could love my job. We tried hard, and after five years together we decided to part ways.

I will not dwell on how tiring this can be, because most people in service jobs understand it. What I will say is that the hours are real, they are shared with the people I love, and I am grateful for the people who understand them.

Supporting grieving families

Grief can show up in different ways. Some families are quiet. Some may feel anger or guilt, and there can be tension between relatives who are all hurting. None of this is universal, and none of it makes a family unreasonable. It makes them people in the middle of a loss.

I also try not to put every complaint down to grief. When a family tells us something went wrong, it may be a legitimate concern about our service, and they are entitled to raise it. We are a paid professional service, so when we make a mistake, the responsibility is ours to own and fix. Our commitments to families are set out in the Trust Charter.

Why arrangements often have to begin quickly

Families are sometimes surprised by how fast they are asked to decide. It helps to separate what is needed straight away from what can wait.

Some things cannot wait long: the immediate and respectful care of the deceased, and the essential information or authorisation needed to move forward. Other decisions, such as the full programme, the details of the ceremony and the finer choices, can often be made a little later. The actual timeline also depends on religious practices, family wishes, venue availability, cremation or burial schedules and each family’s own circumstances, and not on any simple industry expectation.

If a family has more time, or has talked about wishes in advance, the pace can sometimes be gentler. That is one reason I encourage funeral pre-planning.

Is it a livelihood?

I can say honestly that this work has given me a decent livelihood. I will not put figures on it, because they vary and would not be fair to quote as if they applied to everyone. I also hear of new funeral companies starting up. That is only my own observation, and I would not read a trend into it.

What I would say to anyone considering the trade is that it should not be chosen for the money alone, because the work asks too much of a person for that to be enough. If you are curious about the roles in this field, here is how we describe careers in funeral services.

The people behind every funeral

A funeral looks smooth because many people work quietly behind it: the colleagues who prepare, transport, set up and clear, and the others whose names rarely appear anywhere. I appreciate them more now than I did when I started.

Why I still choose this work, nine years on

I do not know whether I will do this forever, and I would rather say so than pretend otherwise. What I do know is that, nine years in, I still choose it. Difficult work done well, with respect for the person who has died and for the people left behind, is a dignified way to spend a working life.

— Harmony Tee, Founder & Funeral Director, Harmony Funeral Care